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Casino Hit And Run Story

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I rolled and rolled and finally sevened out. Believe me, I was never so happy to lose. Not to waste a minute, I shoveled the chips into my pockets and raced for the exit. Who had time to cash them in? I barely made the plane—I was the last one to board—and had a double vodka when the hostess came around with the beverage cart. Believe me, I needed it.

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There was yet another time I just made the plane by a hair, but there wasn't a pocket full of black chips involved—just a ball-busting suitcase full of nickels. Yes, nickels, and lots of em.

Let me explain. One of my pit stops on the way to the airport was the Dunes. At the time they had a gimmicky slot machine promotion to bring in the locals—a pregnant nickel machine with a twin (or was it triple?) jackpot. The machine was bulging with nickels, with nickels showing everywhere. Man, did it look tempting! Every time I passed the damn machine I put my five nickels in, hoping to hit the jackpot. Always without luck. That is, until my little pit stop on the way to the airport.

You guessed it—I hit the Super-Duper Nickel Jackpot! I didn't believe that there were that many fucking nickels in the whole world. I looked over and saw that the line for the Coin Cashier wound around the corner. Happily, my carry-on luggage was strong, so in the middle of the Dunes casino I opened it up and started tossing out expendables—two Las Vegas newspapers, my subscription copies of Playboy and Penthouse, my big can of shaving cream, plus other trifles that could be replaced in Manhattan. Then I started pouring in the nickels. Pouring is the correct word, as I used one of the heavy cardboard cups placed between the slots by every casino, to scoop and pour the nickels into my suitcase. They all fit, but the goddam thing weighed a ton. It was like carrying an anvil.

Somehow I managed to get it onto the plane and somehow I finally got it home. Then I poured my winnings out in the middle of my living room floor. God, for a mass of nickels it really looked impressive! Needless to say, it was a long, long time before I ever had to ask anybody to change a quarter.

The moral of all this is: Always remember to wear a watch and keep a keen eye on it. Casinos have no windows and no clocks, all carefully planned to keep the player in a time-warp limbo. To quit winners, you always have to stay one step ahead of the casino.

And, always bear in mind that the casinos are open seven-days-a-week, twenty-four-hours-a-day, all at your convenience. They only have an opportunity to get a crack at your bankroll when you choose to put it on the line. You must always remember that! Never lose sight of it. It's your choice when and where you play, and for how long, and for how much.

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